When did we get so eager to,
Enjoy each sin without a thought.
To change our lives for just pleasure,
Only gain though we just sought.
It is though true that love exists,
It is though real that love conquers all,
But to keep it pure is all that matters
For love is not to be,
Contaminated with lust,
Because then it’s just,
And not a surreal thought.
So I deny this day that is to lust,
Because love deserves all the time in this world.
And no day should be devoid of love.
For love is what makes us breath.
For love is what we truly need.
Whenever I let loose,
I find myself wanting you.
I loose all interest in this world,
Reality also feels absurd,
I can’t seem to remember words,
Or respond to even what I heard.
The primal urges take over me,
I was “me” but now I am thee.
This scares me deep to the core,
That this is happening yet even more.
I shut the door to my heart,
And restrain the beast within a cage.
And in a corner I sit and think,
But only thing I can only think,
I think that love has taken it’s toll,
I think I’m again losing control.
Sometimes I lose myself,
Among the throes of world itself
My soul forgets what its like to feel,
Because I have to keep going on.
I have to just keep up this space,
I have to just make my place,
I have no time to waste right now,
I am just too busy right now.
My heart keeps racing, my mind gets so numb,
I feel like I’m losing control.
The air feel like its drowning me,
The light makes it difficult to see.
But I have to just keep going on.
So you’ve come again to hear my miserable story.
You must be reveling in my dilemma. Enjoying it.
Must be a page turner for you, huh?
Pain gives me anxiety and I blurt out stuff I don’t mean when I’m anxious. I guess when you have a tube in your throat, you’ve got a good excuse for being anxious.
This might be new for you, but it isn’t for me. People say that familiarity numbs you to the negative aspects of a place, like your brain learns to block out all the negativity. Mine took a step further. I learned that what goes around, comes around. This, right here, is my punishment…..
Yeah, yeah, I know this isn’t the time for self pity.
So, everything was the same, the hospital bed which was still pretty new, the monitors, the blinding lights, the sweet smell of disinfectant, and the IV running into my arm. The doctors have though added the tracheal tube as a perk this time.
Outside the room, I could see everyone was running around. Like death was the enemy and they were the infantry, nearing defeat. Pagers were beeping like alarms going off, signalling that the enemy was one step closer to victory.
Death sure is powerful.
I closed my eyes for a moment, hoping I would drift off, but the adrenergic drugs they were giving me wouldn’t let me.
As I opened my eyes, a nurse came in and started to check my vitals.
They wouldn’t even talk to me, as I’m not much of a cooperative patient.
I was suicidal according to them.
They acted like they know me, sweeping me into that pile of “Depressed” youngsters who were doing everything for attention. It was only natural they didn’t give me any.
As I was cursing them, Doc came into my room.
“You know you have to be able to breathe to live”, he said with a smirk on his face. I just kept quiet as this was also routine work.
“We will keep you for 24 hours, monitor you and then you can go”, he wrote something on my chart and then left.
He didn’t wait for any questions, I didn’t have any……….
That spark we had,
Burned me too
That blinding light,
Of your soul
Has left me shallow
Close to death but still alive,
Full of stress and filled with strife.
It all was a dream, too good to be true,
I am still paying that price,
I was but a slave and I am still one,
My demons forcing to come through.
It is all true but don’t feel bad,
I have it still, that spark we had.
Why are you just so happy?
Living in a illusion so bright yet bleak,
Don’t you think there’s more to know,
More love and then heart break yet to see.
The world has flashed all it’s light on you,
You think it’s day but that’s not true.
All it is, is just a mirage,
The darkness of the night is still at large.
So close your eyes and let that dark,
Uphold you and light that spark.
So, that you know when there’s a light,
The day has and there’s no night.
A common word, yet so unique in itself. Everyone thinks that darkness just means the absence of light, even I used to think that, but what I was experiencing now seemed to be much, much more. It was hard to describe, even harder to comprehend. It was like the whole world ceased to exist and my existence was in such a place where there was no time and space. Nothing was to be felt, yet, for the first time in years, I felt myself. When my mind had nowhere to look, it diverted it’s attention and focus to what was inside of it. I was flooded with my memories, my emotions were like a rapid gust of wind. Anger, ecstasy, sadness, happiness, you name any emotion and I was feeling it. Yet in all this obscurity the only thing that brought me clarity was her. Her thoughts had a strange effect on me. I felt like I was high and euphoric. This feeling, it grew so much that it seemed to conquer my own body, my soul, even my own existence. It is not true that when you die your life flashes before your eyes, but you see only the memories which are a part of you. Like a traveler leaving his destination, you look upon what you’re leaving in this world with sadness, knowing that you have to move on, leave what’s behind and anticipate what lay ahead.
For me, the only thing I was leaving behind that I valued, was her. I couldn’t name a single thing at that moment that I called mine, but her. It was not a matter of possession yet a matter of expression, for my identity expressed itself truly in her.
As I was feeling what had to be felt, the black shroud broke in an instant and light pierced its way into my eyes.
“He’s back. Give me 5cc of epinephrine and keep intubating him”
I was in what appeared to be the interior of an ambulance. There were two guys in blue and they seemed in a hurry. As I moved my head, I felt a stinging pain in my neck. That’s when I noticed a tube sticking out of my windpipe. One of the guys was squeezing a balloon like thingy and apparently that was the only way I could breathe. The other one stuck a needle in my thigh and injected a clear liquid into it. This was all too much for me so I closed my eyes to return to the abyss, but it wasn’t the same.